I miss when regaining humanity was the happy ending.

Last week I went to see Dark Shadows, a movie I expected to like with all my heart, not only because it was the comeback of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, but also because I’ve read in the interviews that that they were returning to the old way vampires were: dark, evil creatures who felt remorse for their hedious crime, and not the goodie pieces of meat they are now. 

After the movie, I was confused, I didn’t know whether I liked or not. A little like after just watching The Phantom Menace for the first time, though I was even more confused after that one. Partially, it was because there were too many things going on too quickly, but also because I really really wanted to like it. An hour later, I decided that no I hadn’t enjoyed the movie at all.

So, yeah I tried to enjoy Dark Shadows and for a while it worked. Let’s say the first 45 minutes. And later the movie still could redeem itself. It was when it was over when I felt the disappointment.

Now, why? I love Tim Burton-Johnny Depp’s movies. And no, I don’t consider Alice to be one of those. Or a real movie, for that matter. I joked with my friends after the movie saying that as an ex-gothic teenager I was ‘contractually obligated’ to like them, but before this movie it came naturally. But the only thing I really liked from this was the soundtrack. And I don’t mean Danny Elfman’s, which I didn’t even notice. I mean the 70’s songs, especially Alice Cooper’s cameo (I’m pretty sure I’ve heard ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ in some princess movie when I was a child). 

Anyway, I saw a comic review that compared the original soap opera with Burton’s adaptation and realised why I didn’t like this movie, or anything vampire-related since Buffy, except for the parodies and works that didn’t have vampires as protagonists, like Bite Me or The Dresden Files: http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/team-nchick/vampire-reviews/35341-vampire-reviews-dark-shadows

If I have to analyse the movie, I'd say that the first half is actually pretty funny and the characters are interesting, though the editing is confusing. Who is supposed to be the protagonist? For almost 15 minutes you're convinced me that it's Victoria but for the rest of the movie is Barnabas. That is a reflection of the soap opera, for a season or so Victoria was the protagonist and then Barnabas appeared and she ended up fading in the background and leaving the cast. And that would be fine, except that the rest of the cast almost disappears in the movie (in a couple of cases literally), so the promising characters go underdeveloped. Especially bad for Victoria, who ends up being a boring pure pretty girl with a sad past that doesn't affect much the story.

And now, spoilers, the end. Oh my God, the end. There, you have Twilight in 5 seconds. Oh the irony! Victoria, who has not been seen for an hour or so, is hypnotised by the evil witch to jump the cliff and killing the witch is not stopping it so Barnabas goes after her and she, on the edge, tells him to turn her into a vampire. He says: No, I love you and I couldn't possibly pass this curse onto you! (you're immortal, powerful and the only flaw is that you can't see the sun, but after 200 years you must be used to!). So she jumps, he jumps after her, bites her and now they're two monsters ... I mean superpowerful beings. Hooray!  And all the time I was thinking: 'if only Dr. Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter) came back'. Yes, there are three women after Barnabas, a blonde, a dark and a redhead. Man, it has to suck being him! 
Barnabas Collins is a horrible character here. He's a self-righteous mass murderer, and at first you don't have to take that seriously, but after he murders a friend (whose transgression was taking his blood because she felt old), you realise he's really a bastard . Even the villain is more sympathetic in retrospective. You almost feel that if she were a vampire instead of a witch she'd be too cool to kill in the end or something. Barnabas seduces her, uses her and finally kills her. It was like seeing a high-class prick tormenting his maid.
But the biggest problem is that, though he complains about being a vampire who wants to be a human again, that he and his lover are vampires at the end of the film is treated as the best ending. That was bad in many levels, but was worse is that they said they were coming back to the old vampire, who is a monster that has to kill but also a human so can be redeemed. Not the typical hero, but a very complex villain protagonist. It seems that the original Barnabas Collins was like that, a charismatic character who at first was the villain but later on became the protagonist by being compelling both in his remorse over killing and his romanticism.

Jonathan Frid: he looks like a real vampire, remarkable!

Now, vampires are very different. They're the hero-protagonists, always portrayed by sexy actors. They're not dark anymore, they're perfect. At least in Buffy the protagonist was a human, since then humanity is so lame. In Twilight, Bella's only aspiration is to be a vampire, in True Blood the protagonist is a human for the first two seasons, but she's actually a powerful 'fairy', and so on. Humans can't be humans anymore, which is also bad for the vampire character too, since he has to obligatorily complain about being a monster when he's actually a super hero, so he comes out as whinny and emo. I think that's the problem with this movie and vampire fiction in the last ten years. We humans want some respect back! After all, we don't go around killing people (well, most of us). Powers are very well, but they don't make the protagonist. Not even the hero.